I don’t know what to really say at the moment but I am overwhelmed and felt the need to write. Maybe this will help me stop going over the same things over and over again in my head. I am just so sick of everything right now. I am sick, I am exhausted. I am literally physically and mentally falling apart and I don’t know what to do about it. Physically I have been having chest pains, half the time I feel like I can’t breathe, I am tired all of the time. I am so exhausted and the fact that I always feel incredibly horrible is really really frustrating me. I am falling so far behind from being sick and this is the last week before final exams. I just can’t deal with it all. I don’t even really know what I think about any of it anymore. I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to succeed but I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to die. It is just all gone. I don’t care about much of anything really. I can see I am falling apart but there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t force myself to care. At the same time, I can’t really seem to force myself to die. Well, I am sure that I could die because at any point it is a decision but I see no point if I don’t fully want it. I don’t want to live, but I can’t bring myself to die. I just can’t deal with all of it. I am going through everyday and I don’t even know what I am doing. I go through the motions because I have to. I always go through the motions, but honestly, if someone asked me how I feel about it all I really wouldn’t know. I don’t know where I stand. I never know how I am going to feel each day or really each hour. Everything is up in the air. It is out of control. My life is out of control. It’s not even really the feeling of floating because even that was controlled. I was just sitting, waiting for death to come. I had accepted it and was ok with it. I could look for something to make me die and that was how I continued. Now I don’t know what I have. I don’t know how I feel. I guess I haven’t had as much time to think about it with being so sick, but I can still see that I am falling apart. The only person that I really talk to about any of this can see that I am falling apart. I just can’t bring myself to care about anything. I don’t know how long I can continue like this though. It is horrible. I rather be constantly wanting to die than to just exist in this state. Half the time things are really unreal. Like right now everything feels unreal. I still can’t bring myself to accept that I live in NY. I can’t bring myself to believe that I am in college or that I am going to be an engineer. I make plans for the summer but I don’t really believe them. I have never really believed them. Everything that has happened in my life over the past 6 months seems completely unreal. I know that most of my life is generally unreal but it is almost painful to look at. Everything I went through means nothing. All of the things I did are meaningless. I don’t think that any of it will ever have any meaning. It has been 6 months and I can’t accept it. I can’t seem to move on in my mind. I don’t know. I just feel frustrated. I can’t deal with life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am exhausted and I am tired of fighting. I am falling apart and I can’t seem to fight it. I just want to go to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball and have it all go away.